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Feeding Time At The FED

Uncle Tom's Cabin — Tom @ July 9, 2009

The FED's Action Gives New Meaning to "Cash Cow"

The Federal Reserve is Hoofing It, Again… to Jump Start the Economy

In a recent Reuters poll, economists gave Federal Reserve System Chairman Ben Bernanke an “8” out of “10” for his handling of the economic crisis. With the unemployment rate still climbing and the economy sputtering, one wonders what these economists were smoking to give Mr. Bernanke such high marks. Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd, a Democrat who chairs the Senate Banking Committee, said giving the Fed more authority “is like having a parent giving his son a bigger, faster car, right after he crashed the family station wagon”.

One might expect that a poll among agronomists will show similar adoration about Bernanke’s impending, bold move to fortify our money. Dubbed by agronomists at the Fed as the A.C.T.I.O.N. Plan (Anticipatory Cattle Transfusions In Our Nation), the latest bailout plan will invigorate the suffering, cattle industry. The Fed has figured out how to feed cattle with Federal Reserve Notes. By adding vitamins, minerals, fiber and carbohydrates to Federal Reserve Notes, cattlemen will be able to feed money to their cattle instead of expensive commodities like corn.

The new money will have different flavors and nutritional amounts based on the denomination of each note. The one dollar note will be “basic oats” flavor. The two dollar bill will taste like bananas. Chimpanzees have found the two dollar bills most appealing. The Fed will add a new three dollar bill to honor diversity. It will taste like “tutee-fruity”. In anticipation of human consumption of money, the five dollar notes will taste like Soylent Green1. In addition to keeping you “fed”, the new Federal Reserve Notes can cost effectively keep you warm, too!

Mr. Bernanke said that this latest stimulation measure was received in the Federal Reserve’s Suggestion Box. Mr. B told reporters at a recent conference that the Fed welcomes all jump starting ideas because they realize that there must be more really good ones out there waiting to be tested on the public.

Tom Compton ©2009 ● We Hold These Truths ● Website:

1 Soylent Green is a ‘70s sci-fi movie where Charlton Heston discovers that “Soylent Green” is made from people.

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