FAT. That’s what our children are. We feed them McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Hebrew National hotdogs with no remorse. The average child will develop type 2 diabetes by 11, a 3 year contract with the Oakland Raiders by 18, and death by 22. With American life expectancy what it is due to uncontrolled obesity, its no wonder the rest of the world hates us: we’re gassy, smelly, and use two seats at the UN cinema. I would say the Chinese are already packing their suitcases to move into what will be an empty continent of dead fat bodies by 2021, but by my picture you can see the Asians who move into this land aren’t faring any better. However, I agree with fat people in general: it’s not all our fault. After extensive research it has been discovered that this entire nation is built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. Obesity was a result of our forefathers disrespect for the native cultures of this land. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have White Castle and pay my penance for raping Navajo land.
Category: Greatwizard News
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FATBOY, NOT SLIM
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END OF THE WORLD…(as we know it)
Southern California erupted in flames last week as billions of illegal Mexican immigrants took to the streets rioting in protest of unfair treatment towards them. Juan Miguel Jimenez Marcos San Portarro commented on the scene with contempt. ‘The U.S. government thinks they can refuse to give illegal immigrants basic right such as free homes, food, cars, licenses, passports, get out of jail free cards, directv, cable internet, and on-demand pornography. We do jobs you wont do, like the jobs you used to do until we took them from you because we said you wouldn’t do it. So there.’ After Mexican insurgents fired rockets into San Diego Saturday, killing hundreds of other Mexicans because they didn’t realize that all of San Diego is Hispanic now, they began to move northwards to the hold out city-state of Orange County . ‘We plan to fight for our lives and rights,’ stated Mark Brown, of Anaheim . Jenny Wade of Pasadena said, ‘I thought that my 78% tax rate that went straight to illegal immigrants was enough, I was wrong.’ Whatever the outcome, one thing is for sure. Hablo español bien. -
BRING IN THE CLOWNS…
In a protest over the loss of his life partner the Hamburgler, during a tragic incident in Tikrit, Ronald McDonald, 50, of San Bernardino, CA hung himself outside of President Bush’s Texas ranch Friday. Ronald left a note portraying his desire to see all the anti war protestors follow in his oversized footsteps. It is expected that up to 25,000 liberal peacemongers may cease their existence before Labor Day, in a show of solidarity with Mr. McDonald. White House Extremist spokesman Richard Pettigut assured the press that the suicides were ignored by the president and any future bodies discovered near the ranch would be flown to Iraq and dropped on the enemy in order to prove our dedication for global freedom to the terrorists. (-Photo: Local rancher Bill Hardley contemplates saving money on his son’s birthday pinata.)